When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
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