“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Don't fork-get your manners.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
How hot does your gas oven get?
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
"I make pour decisions."
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
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