What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
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