My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Seas the day.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
"I'm nuts about you."
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
The Bible says to bring all our requests to God. I've prayed - and here you are.
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Go to BabaMail
