55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Come witch me to the party.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
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