What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
One trick peony.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
"That's all, yolks."
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
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