How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Don't even chai.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
Did you know you look good in short pants?
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
"Bury me next to a straight man."
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
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