Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
You just caused a heat wave.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
You should see what I can do with ice.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
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