Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Skiing is believing!
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
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