What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
I love all of your stratified layers!
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
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