Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
They say everything gets better with age.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
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