Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.

What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.

Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.

If I was your heart would you let me beat?

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.

What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter

The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.

My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.

Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats

I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.

Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.

Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!

Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.

If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.

What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.

What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”

What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.

"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."

What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.

"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out

What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.

Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.

Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!

What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!

Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.

Variety is the ice of life.

What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.

Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?

Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!

How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.

What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.

What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.

"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."

My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.

Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.

What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.

What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes

Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!