It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
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