What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Haida there, gorgeous.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
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