What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
I only have ice for you.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
"I wood never leaf you."
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
Wanna churn butter with me?
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