Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Lettuce go on a long drive.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
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