"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
The sun is just a big space heater.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
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