They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
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