Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
Dialysis is a blood bath.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
"You round me out." — High Card Band
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
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