What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
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