What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
I scored when I met you.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
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