On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Please excuse my resting beach face.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
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