Knock Knock!

Who is there?

Beaver Y.

Beaver Y. who?

Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.

How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.

My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.

Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.

What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.

The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.

Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.

My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”

Be a winner, date a swimmer!

Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.

What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"

Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”

- Carrie Underwood.

Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.

Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.

Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.

This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!

My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.

What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.

The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?

What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.

What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"

“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”

- Earl Wilson.

How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear

Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”

Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.

How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.

My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.

When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley

"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."

May I put my basketballs in your hoop?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.

I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea

Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!

“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”

– Dylan Thomas

“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell

Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat

The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!

What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling