Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
I have the final sleigh.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
Go to BabaMail
