I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
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