A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
In Ireland, I call the shots.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
I think we need to become better strangers.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
Shell yeah.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
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