Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
You’re wine in a million.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
Who’s your paddy?
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
In on the ground flora.
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