One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Go to BabaMail
