What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
The snuggle is real.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
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