How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
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