Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Keep calm and carrot on.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
You raise the bar.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
Calm before the score
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
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