I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
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