Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
I'm at my best during overtime.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
It was mitten in the stars.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Girls just wanna have sun!
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
I want to read you from cover to cover.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Keep calm and carrot on.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
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