We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
You mermaid to go far.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
You had me at cello.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
All you need is MY love
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
So how many cats do you have?
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
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