What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
It’s worth a shot.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
"Partners in wine."
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
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