I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
Irish you luck.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Metaphors be with you.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
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