Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
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