A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
We make a great pear
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
"You can't sip with us."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
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