I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
I think we're mint to be!
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Go to BabaMail
