I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
Fresh French fried fly fritters
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
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