Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.

My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.

“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson

Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.

When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.

Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.

Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?

What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.

What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.

Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.

My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.

Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill

My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!

Aaron you glad I messaged you first?

Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.

Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone

What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.

I’m Dublin down on what I said before.

Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.

Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.

What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.

My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.

Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.

Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.

Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.

What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld

Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!

"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby

"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois

Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.

Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.

The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.