"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
Best in snow.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
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