I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
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