This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
You are so right. And I am so left.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
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