What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!

What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.

I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”

“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld

My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.

There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.

Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato

What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.

I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.

What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.

I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.

What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.

Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.

An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.

What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.

Good work, we’re raising your annual celery

Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.

Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.

What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"

Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.

Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz

What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!

“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson

Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.

What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.

Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...

Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!

How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.

What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.

I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.

Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!

Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.

You octopi my thoughts.

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."

What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."

I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops

How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.

A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.

Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!

I think you’re pretty Stella-r