Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
"Reti or not, here I come!"
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
All you need is MY love
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
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