Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
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