What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
I can't let it be until I get your number.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
-
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
Go to BabaMail
