“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
You are aged to perfection.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
I'm acorn-y person.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
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