Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
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