Nice beach balls, can I play?

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.

“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”

- Salty Mermaid.

I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.

What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.

Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?

You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.

My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.

“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”

- Jeff Foxworthy.

What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!

What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!

“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

- Ray Romano.

I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.

There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.

It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.

Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.

Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!

Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf

Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.

I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.

Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.

“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers

I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.

Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!

Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.

Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”

Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.

Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."

What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.

You’re once, twice, three times a lady.

"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown

Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.

Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.

Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.

Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.