What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
Are you a model?
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
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