Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.

What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?

"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell

During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.

What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!

After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.

"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."

Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.

I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.

That would dampen spirits.

"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin

I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."

Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.

I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.

I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.

Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.

"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.

What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife

We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".

I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it

What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!

30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter

Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)

What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.

I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.

What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!

“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.

"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage

What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.

Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.

Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.

"Arithmetic"

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.

– Judith Viorst

What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!

Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.

Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.

Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.

Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.

I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.

What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.