Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
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