You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
Better read than dead.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
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