"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Go to BabaMail
