If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.

American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.

This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.

After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."

It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty

We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash

The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs

Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape

But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.


- Paul Curtis

"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence

The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna

Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.

“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”

- John J. Plomp.

My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate

What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.

“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy

I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.

How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.

My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.

What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.

Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.

The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.

Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.

Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.

Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.

The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.

What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!

You and I could totally melt my igloo.

When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.

When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?

Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.

Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.

How Rudolf you to say that!

A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.

They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.

What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.

What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.

How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!

Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!

What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.

What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.

If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.

When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.

But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!

I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.

What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.