What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
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