What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
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