101 Jokes and One Liners for Kids!

Enjoy 101 hilarious one liners that your kids will love to laugh at!

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic