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A Fresh Cup of Coffee

A young man dressed walks tall through the doors of the local coffee shop one Sunday morning. He sits lazily and looks the place up and down before raising his hand and summoning a waiter. "I would like your FRESHEST coffee, none of that muddy stuff you probably usually make from yesterday's leftovers." The waiter assured him they make fresh coffee many times per day. "I'll believe it when I taste it." Said the young man. "I'm from New York and I know good coffee. There's very little chance you've got good coffee here, so at least make a new batch for me." and he shoos him away. The waiter goes to the kitchen and comes back with a cup of steamy coffee. The man tastes it and immediately makes a disgusted face. "Just what I thought, that's not FRESH. Come on, make me another one!" The waiter goes back to the kitchen and indeed takes some time to return. Upon his return he is holding a steaming and aromatic coffee cup. The waiter gives the gentleman the cup and he takes a sip... before spitting it out immediately. He turns to the waiter and shouts, “This is way worse! This coffee tastes like mud!” The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

The Problem with Winking

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with one problem - he kept winking at the camera. The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I'm afraid we won't able to hire you unless you get it under control." "Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done." "Alright, show me," said the interviewer. So the man reached into his pocket. First he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills. Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and the second take went without a single hitch. The interviewer said, "That's amazing, I'd hire you on the spot, except that we're not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We've had too many sexual harassment suits." "Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!" "Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer. The man sighed. "Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin and winking all the while?"

Funny Animal Quotes

What Size Will You Be Going For?

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a "small," $6,500 for a "medium," and $14,000 for a "large." Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least a medium... and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

What Marriage Teaches You

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?" Susan responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

I KNEW You Were Drunk

I got pulled over earlier today... Cop: “License and registration sir? You show signs of being drunk.” Me: “Officer I assure you I haven’t even had a sip.” Cop: “Alright sir, well how about a quick test. Imagine you’re driving down the dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?” Me: “A car..?” Cop: “Of course! But what kind? A Chevy, Dodge or a Ford?” Me: “How the hell am I supposed to know.” Cop: “Just as I suspected, you’ve been drinking.” Me: “But sir, I didn’t drink anything.” Cop: “Okay, then tell me, on the same dark road, one light shows up in the distance, what is it?” Me: “A motorcycle.” Cop: “Well DUH. I meant... is it a Honda, a Harley or a Kawasaki?” Me: “I have no idea!” Cop: “Go figure, you’re intoxicated.” Me: “Okay, then let me ask you this. You’re driving on the highway around midnight, and you see a woman on the roadside, wearing a miniskirt, fishnets, high heals, and a bra for a top. What would you call her?” Cop: “A hooker of course.” Me: “Yes of course, but is it your wife, your daughter, or your mother?” Long story short... things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

He's Catching Them All

A young man approaches a fisherman standing in the river. He waves to the fisherman and says, "Wow, great pole you've got there!" The fisherman smiles, gives a slight nod, and says, "thank you!" "And man, that's some of the coolest tackle I've ever seen!" The fisherman smiles and nods proudly, "Thank you!" "Some high-quality bait, too." "Thanks again!" says the fisherman with a big smile. The young man peers down into the river, curious. "You know," He says. "The fish don't really come through here this time of year." "Yeah, I know." Shrugged the fisherman. "Then what are you fishing for?" "Compliments."

The Three Jacksons

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST PRICES!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST QUALITY!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (MAIN ENTRANCE)."

The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased. They solved the problem by using a special scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a soap box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory. A while later, the CEO decides to look at the first week report. Since the scales were put in place, no empty boxes had been shipped out of the factory. Each day about a dozen defective boxes were being removed, which was consistent with the projections. There were almost zero customer complaints and they were gaining market share. The CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. However, the number of defective boxes picked up by the scales dropped to zero after three weeks. He filed a bug against it and after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good. Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about. "Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."

How to Improve Your Life

As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the fisherman. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The businessman asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life." The businessman interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" asked the fisherman. "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the fisherman. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the businessman. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the businessman, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends!"

How Congress Truly Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Stevie Wonder's Golf Game

A famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus, is sitting in a bar drinking with Stevie Wonder. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf?" Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." says Stevie. "You... you play golf!?" asks a dumbfound Jack. Stevie says, "Sure, I've been playing for years." "But... forgive me," Says a baffled Nicklaus. "I thought you were blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?" Stevie Wonder smiles. "No offense taken. It's an understandable question. What I do is I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." He explains. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wonders. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." "And what is your handicap?" Jack asks. "I play off scratch." Stevie assures him. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is fine with me."

A Cheap Hand

A man lost his hand in a war and goes to a shop to purchase a prosthetic hand. He enters the shop and explains his situation, the salesman directs him to their selection and picks up the first prosthetic hand. "This is one of our highest quality prosthetic hands, will feel as close to having the touch in your fingers as you were prior the incident. It costs $1,500". "No thank you, that is too expensive for me.", says the war vet, "Do you have anything cheaper?" The man nods his head and picks up the next prosthetic hand. "This one is almost as good as the other one, it has received multiple high reviews from our customers. It costs $900". Again the man argues, "No thank you, that is too expensive still, do you have anything else?". The salesman nods his head and picks up the last prosthetic arm on the rack. "This is our cheapest prosthetic arm, it costs $650, however we only have it in a green color". The vet again responds, "No thank you, that is still too expensive and I despise the color green." The salesman, out of options, tells the man, "Across the road there is an old man close to death selling his prosthetic hand, from the old man you can go and buy your third hand second hand first hand".

Funny Haiku

Fairy Puns

Insane Timing

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient shrugs and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Funny Birthday Poems

The Price of Whiskey

A young man goes into a liquor store and approaches the shop owner. Customer: "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?" Shop owner: "Sure, son, go ahead." Customer: "Why are you selling the Jack Daniels at thirty dollars per bottle?" Shop owner: "And why shouldn't I, exactly?" Customer: "But the owner of the shop across the street sells it at twenty dollars per bottle." Shop owner: "Well, if you don't like it, why don't you go and buy there?" Customer: "Well, because right now, they don't have any Jack Daniels." "I assure you young man," said the shop owner, "once I run out of Jack Daniels, I'll be selling it at fifteen dollars per bottle!"

The Cheeky Nurse

A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.” He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my testicles black?” Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers. She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren't. And I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them!!” The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly: “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.... “A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?”

His Happiness Was Worth Protecting

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-" The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." Muttered the wife.

The King, the Weather and the Donkey

Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot. And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

An Important Lesson

First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered in a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

Friendship Quotes

Can't find God

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. One day, the mother heard of a clergyman in town that has been successful in disciplining children in the past, and asked for his help. The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble now... They can't find God and they're blaming it on us!"

The Wrong Answer

Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Arnold gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones, another student, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied: "That would be the pupil of the eye, under conditions of dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you: One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three... you will someday be faced with dreadful disappointment."

Congressional Efficiency

Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrapyard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Soup Puns

Are the Rumors True?

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be 21 in November.' Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' 'She's pregnant too.'

Piano Puns

Monster Puns

A Real-Life Infinite Loop

Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc. etc. These loops never happen in real life, unless... A company CEO tells his secretary: "Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements." The secretary calls her husband: "Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time." The husband calls his lover: "My wife is going abroad for a week, lets spend it together..." The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children: "Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home." One of the kids went to his grandfather and said: "Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together." The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her: "My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad." The secretary calls her husband: "The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love." The husband calls his lover: "We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying." The lover tells the kids: "My problem was solved, school is back on." The kid goes to the grandfather: "Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go." The CEO calls his secretary: "My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad." The secretary calls her husband....

Gifts From China

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What happens if this doesn't work?' The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILED'. Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel but it wouldn't even switch on. He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee. The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.'