This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
All farts...are laughing gas.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.