What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.