What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.