The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.