Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.