I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.