Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back