What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?