What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.