What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"