There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.