“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.