I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.