What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.