There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.