Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.