My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.