What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.