We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.