I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”