Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.