Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.