I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.