Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.